Control

Control

I clench my clunky hands.
They strain to hold all the things in my life, the things I need to control. Anxiously. Even desperately now.

I cannot hold magnesium, or salt, or sand and yet i try as the bits and pieces slip through my fingers onto the floor of life. I look down helplessly at the mess I've made. And as the puddles flatten to the ground I am weighed down by the thoughts, the thoughts of all that is out of my control.

There is nothing I can do. Thats the worst part. I am helpless here. this clean white floor extends to the tall walls surrounding me and I am alone.

I kneel down grasping at the fluid piles and suddenly am aware of a hand gracing my back.

Dillusional...no...this hand is authentic.

Dillusional...yes...I have been. The piles remain on the floor ungathered, but the realization strikes, "They're not my piles. They never were." I was grasping and seeking to control things that were and are beyond me.

Some things our hands aren't made to hold. But the Divine, He is not so limited and He beckons me to trust.

Funny Creatures

And aren't we all such funny creatures. We walk around and talk to each other most of the time engaging only partially as if invisible lines are drawn up around ourselves. Convinced as we are of its necessity we mask ourselves for our own protection. Lest someone see our heart, the deepest part of ourselves, the part where the living is.

And aren't we all such funny creatures. We walk around dying on the inside to be known. We long for others to see our hearts and smile alongside in wonder at how God has made each of us, the part where the living is.

And aren't we such funny creatures that daily we walk in this conundrum all the while God offers us freedom. A freedom to look out beyond at Him and at others without being drowned under the ocean of our self-focus.

I smile as I think of myself and all of you reading this. We are sitting at a table amongst friends and this offer of freedom moves all around us, even in the eyes of our friends and shame of shames... we won't look. And for that we are quite funny creatures.

There is still hope

A word of hope.

There are no dead ends. None.

At any point in life you can turn in a different direction. Physical reality tells us there are restrictions, but a deeper truth speaks to the reality of a greater life that has been calling. Something that excites our heart and drives us mad with wanderlust as we search for something greater to live for. Well these desires are not in vain they are sparkling remembrances of our true soul from God whispering to live for something more.

Something greater than what we've accepted at this point.

Don't forget that at any point, anytime, anywhere, you can stop and change. The deadends are more figments of our imaginations.

Live for something worth living for.

project identity

I was in class the other day and I was reminded of a truth that I think stretches itself across all of our lives. There was this student who was always asking questions or making comments using really big words. I realized that when he asked a question it wasn't for the purpose of getting an answer, but it was so everybody else could hear him speak. He wanted to sound intelligent. He somehow found approval for himself in being smart in front of his peers. Most of us look upon this type of behavior with disgust, because we see in it someone wrapped up in themselves.

But the reality is we all do it. We all have these things that we do in order to feel better about ourselves, in order to find our approval. Some people become artists so that others can wonder at their artistic ability and creativity. Others become mathematicians because they can pat themselves on the back or impress their friends after solving extremely difficult problems. Some even become religious because they are quite capable of self-discipline and morality, the outward signs of religious conviction. I realize in my own life that I get my kicks from showing off in sports or when somebody gives me a compliment about this blog. We all find ourselves to some extant seeking the approval of human beings all around us.

I think this is why the message of Jesus is so intoxicating. He came down amongst a bunch of ragamuffins and told them that he loved them just as they are. They didn't need to do any tricks or solve any problems. This brought about the response of people pledging their lives to Him. People so swept away by the love of Jesus that they were defined by it. If someone were to have asked Mary Magdalene who she was she would probably have said, " A beloved daughter of Jesus." And they wouldn't just be words, they would be truth, it was in His eyes that she found value, it was in His eyes that she found life.

It is a question of identity. We are quite cavalier about throwing around our faith, but my question is do we really base our identity in it? For me to say that I am a Christian is a fairly severe statement. In it I am saying that above all else my identity is found in Christ. But is it really?

Is the young man from my class first and foremost a Christian, or is he first and foremost a scholar seeking the scholarly approval of his peers?

Brennan Manning put it like this, "My deepest awareness of myself is that I am deeply loved by Jesus Christ and have done nothing to earn it or deserve it."

What is my deepest awareness? What is your?

Chris Farley

The show has ended, the applause fades away and as the theatre empties you realize that it will never be enough.
Fight the tears back. Let your concious drift onto the next performance when your loyal fans return.
Just imagine how impressed they will be by you.
But whatever you do, don't ever, ever exist in the right now, the lonely.

Chris Farley with nobody watching.



explanation: I wrote this poem this summer in Europe. Often in my life i get my kicks from being able to entertain others. After a while though I start depending on these feelings. I can begin to base my identity in them. That's when you come to the point of having to always be entertaining, looking for the next moment to be funny. And when nobody else is around, what do you do?

what is love?

So i stumbled upon an idea today while responding to a message on facebook.

"Love cannot be any less than love."

This is quite a provocative statement. We say we love so many things, but what do we really love. You can't tell me that you love me if you aren't willing to spend time investing in me....if you aren't willing to care for me. If you aren't willing to sacrifice for something/somebody it probably isn't much of a love. (Not that sacrifice is always needed, but if it is are you willing?)

This hit me hard because one of my battle cries is to love God most. I say it with such ease and clarity that it comes off as truth. But do i really love God? Do I really spend time with Him? Do I sacrifice my own wants and desires in order to serve God? Or is it just convenient to say, making me sound like a saint or something?

It is either love, or it is just another action cheapening the reality of the true love.

It's always good to ask ourselves what do we really love. To touch base with reality.


wondering at times where my heart is truly at,

erik

what would I do?

So i promised I would answer this question about what I would do if I knew that I couldn't fail.

At this point I would do one of two things. I would either start a retreat center for pastors to come to and rest and relax in God. I would try to remind them of how we must be real as a people, as a church. How they must be real as pastors. I would refuel them and encourage them to get beyond the finances and the board meetings and into the heart of God, :).

If I didn't do that I would start, or become part of, a counseling ministry for married couples. I believe marriage is probably the most precious gift God gave us here on earth. And unfortunately it is also one of the most mistreated. Sometimes a couple just needs a wise person to sit with them and help take the blinders off so they can see God....so they can see themselves...so they can see each other in truth.

Both of these things make my heart very happy, :). And now I don't know which way to go, :(.

I asked this question because I think we should do these things. I think the world would be a better place. I think God would be more greatly glorified. And I think we would all be much more satisfied.

So live boldly!!! :) Don't be so afraid of failure that you miss out on life.

And when God comes to you, don't resist Him. He is the greatest.

erik