One should not always pretend that all is right. Sometimes things don't go as we hope.
I hate that I am in a constant fight to appear beautiful. I am not. I don't think life comes to us until we are honest with where we are. Here is my honesty.
"11/25/07 "Tired of all the Crap"
I'm so tired of being fake. I'm tired of witty journal entries and pleasant ideas on God. I just want to be honest with myself and write down whats really going on. Not glorified, not pretty, F pretty.
I'm so lonely now. Probably the loneliest I've been since I can remember. I don't have any really good friends who move with me. I haven't been real with God. I've just done what looks good drinking from the cooler in those stupid little cups that never fill you up. And then I do what I want. Not what He wants. I want intimacy so bad. I just want to hug everybody but more for my sake. To feel that love. To know that love.
I don't even really know where to go. I'm so lazy especially at my dorm. It feels like I get there and my shoes are covered in Peanut Butter and I can't walk so I do something to entertain myself.
Why the Hell won't I just live?!? Why do I feel the need to pass life by or let it pass me by rather. Why can't I live it to the full?
Because I don't feel loved.
Because I'm not close with God or with others. Because I would rather people think I have it all together than let them know the real me. The me that hurts. The me that wants to sleep because being awake is so damn lonely.
And in the midst of all this I want to try to correct others. Try to fix others, try to tell them they aren't right. That they are Hypocrites, but I won't surrender. I won't let go.
I need help. I need love and I need to let go of myself. I need to be honest."
This isn't a cry for help though many of you won't believe me. You'll sit there, as I would, and read this and think to yourself how far from the path has Erik gone. What happened to the man we knew? He is here, rest assured. You're just experiencing the side of him that isn't so clean. So polished.
You are catching me in the pain, not in the appropriate.
I wonder if we can handle the honesty. Is the ugly too ugly?
Monday, November 26, 2007
Thursday, November 1, 2007
Simon Says
I have come to realize that our church, our body, is suffering from a terrible epidemic. It came disguised as an antibiotic: a cure all for the problems in our life. And while I do believe at its conception it was healthy, it has grown to cause mass destruction and driven countless of my contemporaries away from God.
This wonder drug, of which I speak, is control. It is a system of do’s and don’ts (mostly don’ts) that leaves its users feeling very helpless and trapped. You see our leadership, somewhere along the line, saw how bad sin was and they decided that they were going to stop it. Books, sermons, conferences, retreats, and even entire churches made their sole focus control, or ridding the people of God of their sin. I’m sure that you’ve experienced it. I once myself received a bookmark full of bible verses about things I shouldn’t do in college. I have no idea where that bookmark is now, partially because at the time I received it I didn’t read, but mostly because it had little to no impact on my life. I was raised with rules, guided by rules, most of which I didn’t believe in. The last thing I wanted was more rules.
Simon Says don’t have sex or anything like it until your married.
Simon Says don’t watch movies with cussing or nudity.
Simon says don’t drink alcohol or smoke cigarettes.
Now don’t misunderstand me; I am not an advocate for sin or the existence of it. I believe discipline is a healthy thing and it aids in our relationship with God. The travesty happened the day not sinning became more important than loving. On that day we exchanged a perfect love, for a shattered law. Our youth flee because they are told what not to do before they understand why. You have a whole generation of young women and men who have a yoke so heavy around their neck they can’t walk and they don’t have anyone to help them carry it (sound familiar, check out Matt. 23). You cannot command someone to stop sinning if they have yet to taste the sweetness of God. It makes no sense. This is why you have a whole generation of young “Christians” that go to college and go crazy. The problem isn’t that they lose their faith, most of the time it’s that their faith is revealed for what it is. A cold distant God that more closely resembles a list of rules than it does a warm and loving father. Their lives looked right until they were in a place where they could let go of the don’ts and embrace the dos. And the dos can be devastating.
When the Jews tried to trick Jesus and they asked Him what the greatest commandment was. He didn’t respond don’t covet your neighbor’s wife, or don’t lie. The greatest commandments that God in the flesh gave were to love Him and others with every bit of yourself. The greatest commandments are dos. And they are grounded in love on both accounts. This life of righteousness, of discipline, of beauty, is no further away than us loving God. But it must begin and end there. It must exist on all fronts in these two places. If we forget this we will fall away from truth and turn to control. We will turn to rules that make our lives look pretty but when you look inside the cup and dish they are terribly dirty. We will change from a people marked by mercy and grace to objects ruled as a government with checks and balances. And in this we will have created our own gods: each of us molding the gold until our calves look exactly as we like them. If we live this way then we make the rules and we control the grace. May this never be.
This wonder drug, of which I speak, is control. It is a system of do’s and don’ts (mostly don’ts) that leaves its users feeling very helpless and trapped. You see our leadership, somewhere along the line, saw how bad sin was and they decided that they were going to stop it. Books, sermons, conferences, retreats, and even entire churches made their sole focus control, or ridding the people of God of their sin. I’m sure that you’ve experienced it. I once myself received a bookmark full of bible verses about things I shouldn’t do in college. I have no idea where that bookmark is now, partially because at the time I received it I didn’t read, but mostly because it had little to no impact on my life. I was raised with rules, guided by rules, most of which I didn’t believe in. The last thing I wanted was more rules.
Simon Says don’t have sex or anything like it until your married.
Simon Says don’t watch movies with cussing or nudity.
Simon says don’t drink alcohol or smoke cigarettes.
Now don’t misunderstand me; I am not an advocate for sin or the existence of it. I believe discipline is a healthy thing and it aids in our relationship with God. The travesty happened the day not sinning became more important than loving. On that day we exchanged a perfect love, for a shattered law. Our youth flee because they are told what not to do before they understand why. You have a whole generation of young women and men who have a yoke so heavy around their neck they can’t walk and they don’t have anyone to help them carry it (sound familiar, check out Matt. 23). You cannot command someone to stop sinning if they have yet to taste the sweetness of God. It makes no sense. This is why you have a whole generation of young “Christians” that go to college and go crazy. The problem isn’t that they lose their faith, most of the time it’s that their faith is revealed for what it is. A cold distant God that more closely resembles a list of rules than it does a warm and loving father. Their lives looked right until they were in a place where they could let go of the don’ts and embrace the dos. And the dos can be devastating.
When the Jews tried to trick Jesus and they asked Him what the greatest commandment was. He didn’t respond don’t covet your neighbor’s wife, or don’t lie. The greatest commandments that God in the flesh gave were to love Him and others with every bit of yourself. The greatest commandments are dos. And they are grounded in love on both accounts. This life of righteousness, of discipline, of beauty, is no further away than us loving God. But it must begin and end there. It must exist on all fronts in these two places. If we forget this we will fall away from truth and turn to control. We will turn to rules that make our lives look pretty but when you look inside the cup and dish they are terribly dirty. We will change from a people marked by mercy and grace to objects ruled as a government with checks and balances. And in this we will have created our own gods: each of us molding the gold until our calves look exactly as we like them. If we live this way then we make the rules and we control the grace. May this never be.
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